


a matter of convenience

by tangentiallly



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: M/M, Moral Ambiguity, Pre-Canon, associates with benefits, implied past ernest/bertrand, lots of pettiness and vengefulness, terrible decisions all around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 05:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30134406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tangentiallly/pseuds/tangentiallly
Summary: “Just so we’re clear,” Ernest said. “We’re only doing this as some way of getting back at Kit Snicket.”
Relationships: Ernest Denouement/Count Olaf
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	a matter of convenience

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i don't own asoue

It’s hard to say what really was it about Olaf that drew him in. Perhaps it’s some kind of sympathy of understanding how it felt to lose his parents to VFD, some kind of understanding of how it felt to be betrayed and subsequently lost faith in VFD. Perhaps it was how he could see, so clearly, O’s anger at VFD. Or perhaps it’s Olaf’s wildness, or some kind of over-arrogance and extravagance that suit the VFD theater kids. 

Perhaps he saw the same self-destructive tendencies in Olaf that he felt in himself, the kind of tendency that had been what made The Man With Beard But No Hair and The Woman With Hair But No Beard reach out to both of them in the first place.

Perhaps it was because his perfect volunteer brother who could do no wrong was sleeping with the most mysteriously handsome lanky unibrow man out of both sides of the schism and he was mirroring him subconsciously, although Ernest would like to think he did not base his decisions on what Frank did _ that _ much.

Realistically though, Ernest reasoned to himself, it was probably just because his choices were limited and Olaf was conveniently there.

Conveniently on the same side so he wouldn’t need to worry about Olaf trying to steal information from him, conveniently in the same city because it wasn’t like Ernest’s job allowed him to travel much, if at all. Olaf was also conveniently a braggart who loved to talk so Ernest could easily justify it to himself that he was merely collecting information, conveniently handsome enough so it wasn’t like he was too hard on the eyes, conveniently Kit Snicket’s ex which felt like a fun bonus since anything that could annoy Kit Snicket was always a plus.

Getting involved with Olaf, even just on an associates-with-benefits level, was also a convenient way to show his bosses that he was, in fact, dating another firestarter and therefore completely loyal to the cause. To show them that he had moved on from his little dalliance with a volunteer. To make them trust him more.

And it was also a convenient twist of the knife when B saw them, a silent “ _ well, you broke it off, you refused to save me, so look how far i’m in with the firestarters now” _ that was so,  _ so _ conveniently, vindictively satisfying, because yes, damn it, he was hurt. He deserved a little vindication. He felt a twisted, darkly satisfying feeling in him when he caught the flash of hurt in Bertrand’s eyes, and he wanted to purr at him, to smile at him, to tell him that,  _ hey, darling, you could’ve prevented this, do you know that, sweetheart? _

“I hope you fall in love with him,” B told him afterwards, flat and cool. Ernest arched an eyebrow skeptically, wondering if this was some kind pretending he was okay, some kind of typical Bertrand way to act like he was fine with everything despite being very not okay with it.

“Because then I’m sure you’ll end up regretting having done so,” B added.

Ernest rolled his eyes, “Oh please, I’m just using him. He’s convenient.”

B shrugged. “You thought I was just convenient too, didn’t you?”

Ernest froze, but only for a fraction of a second. “And you  _ were _ ,” he informed Bertrand loftily. Sweetly. “You’ve always been just convenient, sweetheart.”

* * *

To make sure Bertrand’s stupid wish wouldn’t come to pass, Ernest thought it best to make things clear to Olaf early on. 

“Just so we’re clear,” he said. “We’re only doing this as some way of getting back at Kit Snicket.”

“I’d much more rather get back at Beatrice,” Olaf replied as he popped open the bottle wine he found in the hotel room, because he was an idiot who apparently didn’t realize that this could hardly impact on Beatrice, who had never had any romantic interest in either of them. “But sure, whatever.” He paused, and then smirked, “and free alcohol that you offer me, cheers.”

“Always knew you’re after the material benefits,” Ernest drawled, casually teasingly. But he didn’t really mind. The hotel made enough and these bottles of wine cost almost nothing in comparison to the money they got from guests who demanded the most extravagant service or utmost secrecy for their meetings. But of course, Olaf didn’t need to know that. It was simpler for Ernest to let Olaf think he was taking a lot of advantage. 

Olaf blew him an air kiss. “You know me, always upfront about my horrible intentions.”

Yes, it was what was most convenient for Ernest. Olaf talked a lot about the latest gossip he heard out there in The City, gossips from both sides, and he also loved talking about his plans just so he could brag about them.

Ernest toasted him. “Well, here’s to horrible intentions.”

“To horrible intentions!” Olaf crowed, raising his glass. He drank, and then grinned, maniacally. “One day, I’m going to destroy Beatrice like she destroyed me. I have a plan in progress, just you wait. It’ll be my masterpiece.”

This was going great. Olaf would let slip details of his unnecessarily elaborate plan piece by piece. And Ernest knew that in their business, information was everything. Knowledge was everything. Perhaps he would then tell Frank Olaf’s plan, just so he could rub it in Frank’s face,  _ hey, F, look who saved the day, even when you all accused me of betrayal _ .

“I’ll finally get my revenge on Beatrice, orphan her kids the way she orphaned me,” Olaf concluded, voice suddenly cool and chilling, unlike the loud excitement minutes ago and -

\- and it was stupid, really. It wasn’t like Ernest didn’t already know how Olaf’s parents died at Beatrice’s hands (technically, not just Beatrice, but he’d learned that Olaf focused primarily on Beatrice), it wasn’t like he didn’t already know that had been on VFD’s instructions. It wasn’t like he didn’t already know Olaf wanted revenge.

But somehow, the chilling way Olaf said it right now, the hatred and anger caused by VFD that Ernest had always, in the depth of his soul, been able to relate to - somehow it fucking  _ resonated _ , deeper than Ernest thought it would. Somehow he could really feel what Olaf was feeling, somehow it was igniting the anger that he’d buried deep, the anger about how he found out his parents had died in a fire after VFD recruited him and his brothers, the anger he always knew was there but he usually like to keep it wrapped up so he could do his job more efficiently.

Ernest guessed that his eyes probably showed something, because recognition lit in Olaf’s eyes, and the actor smiled grimly at him, and at that moment Ernest was ready to forget all about the convenience of it all, to forget about collecting information, and let himself just drown in that feeling of mutual understanding and solidarity. At that moment, he completely forgot about Bertrand’s mean wish all those years ago. At the moment, Olaf smiled, and it was all teeth. It wasn’t even pretty teeth, but then again, it had Olaf’s typical wild, roguish charm.

“You,” Ernest said. “Are hot when you’re all vengeful and plotting.”

“Please,” Olaf scoffed. “I’m always hot.” He leaned in and kissed him, expertly in a way that Ernest had seen him do on stage. 

A small voice in the back of Ernest’s mind warned him that he was in trouble, or was going to step into trouble soon and it would be smarter for him to step back now, but it was barely loud enough and Ernest easily ignored that. 

He grinned lazily at Olaf, calculatively seductive or so he thought. “Round two?”

**Author's Note:**

> [come say hi on tumblr](https://beatricebidelaire.tumblr.com)


End file.
